Month: December 2015

Ready for Christmas

Since the miscarriage things have obviously changed. One thing is for sure, I will never be the same. I’m trying to embrace this new me and these new outlooks on life, babies, love and everything else it has affected.

Being fairly “young” to have gone through ending a 6 year relationship with a divorce, my Mom’s ruptured aneurysm and caring for her, finding new love, and losing a baby in a little over a year..sort of teaches you to grow up. I’m not talking about growing up like paying bills and being a responsible adult. I’m talking about having mercy on people who treat you wrong, really listening when someone is talking, and just. being. kind.

I guess it’s not easy to explain. I watch friends worry about NYE dresses, what bars to go to, and their social media profiles. Since when did I stop caring about these things? It’s a right to youth to only worry about things like this. I think I just ran out of room to care.

Getting out of an extremely emotionally abusive relationship and finding someone who treats me better than I could have ever imagined, might have something to do with all of these new outlooks.

When you’re younger, it’s so easy to think you know everything and that you’ve got life figured out.

God works in ways we will never understand. I’m ready to celebrate Him this holiday. And though I deeply miss the baby that should still be here with us, I’m refocusing my energy on the big picture.

Merry Christmas to All ❤

 

 

Healing

I got to hold a baby tonight for the first time since the miscarriage. I can’t put into words the rush of emotion it brought. It leveled out to a surprisingly peaceful feeling. I’m hopeful that, when the time is right, we will be blessed with another chance.

I still pray that God let our lost little soul know how much it is loved and how much we will always long to wonder what could’ve been.

Life is different but it is getting back to a new normal. Sometimes I get waves of overwhelming sadness and longing to have the baby back. It’s hard to choke back the tears at the office, at the store, or around friends.

I watch others announce births of their little ones or news that they are expecting and count to myself how far along I would be. It seems as if the pregnancy bug is in the air. My whole newsfeed is babies. I get sad seeing a lot of it.

At this point I find myself wondering how I would feel with another pregnancy. Would I be as scared of losing it, or would I maybe not let myself fall so in love with it this time? Would I be able to feel the bond again so quick? And of course, what would we do if we lost another?

We aren’t ready to talk about those things. So for now, they’ll occupy my thoughts.